i haven't said enough...
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
  hands to heaven
was blog-hopping for a while and passed by markie's blog. i heard the song before, and i know that it is a cover. never did pay attention before, til now. i've always had troubles sleeping, i prefer to get myself real tired so that when i lay down, sleep will take over. if not, i end up laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking. sometimes, i do not really think about anything in particular, i know i'm not alone with that. i just wonder if in my deep "unthinking", someone out there is doing the same thing.

my ate i.n has been pestering me about getting a girlfriend not long ago, saying i have so much spare time that i end up doing nothing when i could be spending it with someone. i wish it is that easy. i have this bad cycle of falling in love so easily, but having a hard time getting out of it.

maybe i do have so much love to give, but i don't know why i prefer to lay here on a bed fit for two by myself. i don't want to look for someone, because i've found someone already. i want to believe i found her already rather. i'm too old for this search-and-date game; i'm tired of it to be more accurate.

should i try to work it out with someone who is married with a kid? she is my first love after all. i know she is not happy with her marriage, and i adore her kid. her family likes me as well. the only problem is she is married. something that i could have stopped, i guess, if only i asked. i knew something was bothering her that midnight of may at my place in tambo. maybe i was just apprehensive to ask knowing that my friends are just a couple of feet away, sleeping in our couch. i realized just lately how willing i am to adopt a child, just in case things don't work out between her and her husband. i have never thought i would be entangled in this web! never ever did i thought i would consider having an affair, or breaking up a marriage. maybe it is over between us. over? i don't even recall it starting.

then there's the puppy love - the first person whom i loved who loved me back. but i blew it - several times. there was this one time that i just wanted to talk to her, just wanted to say hi. i have no idea how the conversation turned in to this twisted talk about being left behind and betrayal. what the fuck did i say that made this talk so... so... so wrong. i have fucked up so many things in life, none of which i ever have regrets about, and then this? there is still this urging in me that maybe, i can still patch this up. but then again, i'm tired of it. love shouldn't be this much work and effort.

and of course, the friend you can not have, hahaha! the one person you are hoping to be intimate with but afraid to mess up the disposition you have worked for so hard. fuck that.

i am getting to old, huh? maybe i have fucked around enough already, maybe even too much. i need to be serious about this already. i do want to be next with somebody i love and care about.

i just need some sleep. even if "tonight i need your sweet caress..."
 
Comments: Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]





<< Home
my personal, emotional, intellectual, political, sexual, social, spiritual, scholarly, and childish rantings about anything conceivable by the human mind and felt by the human heart and soul.

about me
i'm in MySpace and Friendster.

F Ken Maes's Facebook 

profile

View F Ken Maes's 

profile on LinkedIn
Archives
February 2004 / March 2004 / April 2004 / May 2004 / June 2004 / July 2004 / August 2004 / September 2004 / October 2004 / November 2004 / December 2004 / January 2005 / February 2005 / March 2005 / April 2005 / May 2005 / June 2005 / July 2005 / August 2005 / September 2005 / October 2005 / November 2005 / December 2005 / January 2006 / February 2006 / March 2006 / April 2006 / May 2006 / June 2006 / July 2006 / August 2006 / September 2006 / October 2006 / November 2006 / January 2007 / May 2007 / June 2007 / July 2007 / August 2007 / September 2007 / October 2007 / November 2007 / December 2007 / January 2008 / February 2008 / March 2008 / April 2008 / June 2008 / July 2008 / August 2008 / September 2008 / October 2008 / November 2008 / December 2008 / January 2009 / February 2009 / April 2009 / July 2009 / August 2009 / December 2009 / January 2010 / February 2010 / July 2010 /


Powered by Blogger