i haven't said enough...
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
  hands to heaven
was blog-hopping for a while and passed by markie's blog. i heard the song before, and i know that it is a cover. never did pay attention before, til now. i've always had troubles sleeping, i prefer to get myself real tired so that when i lay down, sleep will take over. if not, i end up laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking. sometimes, i do not really think about anything in particular, i know i'm not alone with that. i just wonder if in my deep "unthinking", someone out there is doing the same thing.

my ate i.n has been pestering me about getting a girlfriend not long ago, saying i have so much spare time that i end up doing nothing when i could be spending it with someone. i wish it is that easy. i have this bad cycle of falling in love so easily, but having a hard time getting out of it.

maybe i do have so much love to give, but i don't know why i prefer to lay here on a bed fit for two by myself. i don't want to look for someone, because i've found someone already. i want to believe i found her already rather. i'm too old for this search-and-date game; i'm tired of it to be more accurate.

should i try to work it out with someone who is married with a kid? she is my first love after all. i know she is not happy with her marriage, and i adore her kid. her family likes me as well. the only problem is she is married. something that i could have stopped, i guess, if only i asked. i knew something was bothering her that midnight of may at my place in tambo. maybe i was just apprehensive to ask knowing that my friends are just a couple of feet away, sleeping in our couch. i realized just lately how willing i am to adopt a child, just in case things don't work out between her and her husband. i have never thought i would be entangled in this web! never ever did i thought i would consider having an affair, or breaking up a marriage. maybe it is over between us. over? i don't even recall it starting.

then there's the puppy love - the first person whom i loved who loved me back. but i blew it - several times. there was this one time that i just wanted to talk to her, just wanted to say hi. i have no idea how the conversation turned in to this twisted talk about being left behind and betrayal. what the fuck did i say that made this talk so... so... so wrong. i have fucked up so many things in life, none of which i ever have regrets about, and then this? there is still this urging in me that maybe, i can still patch this up. but then again, i'm tired of it. love shouldn't be this much work and effort.

and of course, the friend you can not have, hahaha! the one person you are hoping to be intimate with but afraid to mess up the disposition you have worked for so hard. fuck that.

i am getting to old, huh? maybe i have fucked around enough already, maybe even too much. i need to be serious about this already. i do want to be next with somebody i love and care about.

i just need some sleep. even if "tonight i need your sweet caress..."
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